I have a very old friend who is probably one of the most self-aware people I have ever met. She approaches life is such a logical and genuine way, that when she decides to share her inner most thoughts and struggles I feel simultaneously honored that she has decided to include me, and also perplexed about how her mind works. I appreciate that when she has a challenge that she is able to come up with a solution that makes absolutely perfect sense in her universe; most the time I admittedly would not approach the same problem in the same way, but I am always filing away her process for the future…just in case.

Over the course of our friendship, she has often discussed her long-term relationship, as most friends do. Like many relationships it has it’s ups and downs. And there have been times when it has been easy to make the assumption that maybe this isn’t working. (Which is what friends do right?) I have, however, really tried to just allow her the space to work it out, because if I have learned anything it is that people come to the conclusions that make the most sense to them.

Anyway, she recently told me that she realized that while she hasn’t come to a set conclusion about her relationship she knows two things: 1. She loves this person. 2. She isn’t getting what she needs. BUT, she also said that while she isn’t getting what she needs, she knows that the love is there. So, she is going to give it a little more conscious effort to see if she is inhibiting her own ability to receive and accept the love that she knows is there.

So I am sitting here marinating in this really mature concept of knowing that love exists in a relationship, even though major needs are not being met. This seems so simple and so genius-acceptance of one’s circumstances. But then it hit me. I haven’t been able to fully incorporate that thought because I don’t think I can buy in to it. I want to believe that love is enough. It is a romantic idea, but is it enough?

A few years ago my mentor told me “you can’t heal unless you are in a safe environment.” Soon after my clinical supervisor said “you can heal trauma in loving relationships where there is a strong and supportive connection”. I think about those statements from time to time. My friend’s quandary has also invited me to consider the possibilities yet again.

When I look back from my own personal experience and when I hear the stories of others, I realize that it’s possible to love someone deeply and still be miserable because your needs are not getting met. In that type of a relationship, it then becomes impossible to fully express yourself to your full potential because there is this constant pea underneath a stack full of mattresses. In other words no matter how hard you try, you can never get comfortable. There is constant questioning; the compromises come at too high of a cost. You keep getting triggered, and maybe you find yourself saying “this is not who I am or who I want to be”.

Of course, it’s possible to argue that growth comes from differences and compromise. That being with a person who is drastically different is a positive because it pushes your own boundaries. This is absolutely true and necessary sometimes in order to become fully realized. However, while it is important to grow, it is also just as necessary to have a partner who supports that growth in a real, authentic, sensitive, and tangible way. Otherwise there is always the potential for to be stuck in your stress physiology, constantly on edge, in an offensive or defensive position, or just depressed.

I know with certainty it is possible to have love that helps you grow while at the same time meeting your needs. Of course that isn’t to say that your partner has the capacity or responsibility to fulfill every last need. That doesn’t happen. But what I am saying is that when you meet the right person for you, the hard times don’t cause the same amount of strife as it does with someone who doesn’t fully get you, even if they love you. When I say that I speak from experience I can say that I have been in several relationships that were “almost but not quite” and they were more painful than ones that were absolutely not right–because it was “almost”. Now that I am married even during the hard hard times, I can still weather storms with my husband and wake up thinking that I would do anything for him. We make each other better people.

The question then becomes how do I find the “right” person? Does that even exist? I believe it does. Again, I am speaking from personal experience, as well as those who are close to me. The key is to be brave; practice self-awareness. Evaluate what your genuine needs are and if you can either get them or if you can accept where you are at. Be accountable for your own actions and reactions and how they affect your relationships. Be kind and compassionate with yourself and others. Know when to stay because a situation is valid, and when to leave before it becomes truly toxic. Accept the possibility of loneliness and don’t settle, because loneliness during “the search” is nothing compared to the loneliness you feel with the wrong or “almost” person.

Above all be responsible. Hearts are valuable things. When we take care of them alchemy happens.